I cannot stop hating my body.
Fuck, how I want to be
That proud, free, careless woman
Showing it all without a thought
Never apologizing for my skin
My rolls, my lines, my folds
And I’m not.
I’m not there.
And I want to love myself for that too
To embrace and give kindness
The sweet nurturing my own mother withheld
Sending me into adolescence
With the curse I’d never forget – “You’re fat”
And to this day, I am
No matter how my body looks
To this day, I am fat
In my mind.
In the tender marrow of my center.
In the sad eyes of that little girl
Steeling herself against the hurt
Never let them see they’re killing your spirit
I’m not strong.
I’m just a survivor.
With the inner being of a stunted girl
And the body of a middle-aged suburbanite.
How the fuck.
Hi there. Chanced upon your post. Sorry to hear you’re struggling with self-worth. I hope you get someone in your life who truly loves you for who you are and makes you feel safe and beautiful in your own skin. And I hope you learn to, eventually, see yourself with his eyes – a thing of perfection rather than something to be hated and despised.
The point is to love myself first. I know that your comment is well-intentioned but it highlights this misconception that people have that a partner is going to fix them. This creates codependency. Sure, I want to find someone who loves me for me – but I believe I will only find that person once I learn to love me for me first.
Also, don’t mistake a poem for a permanent mindset. A poem is a moment in time.
You’re right that the point is to love yourself first. However, you mention in the poem that you’re middle-aged and still see yourself as ‘fat’ in your mind, and cannot stop hating your body. Clearly, if you could’ve learnt how to love yourself, you would’ve done by now. If we haven’t learnt something in 40-odd years, its pretty obvious we need help. Some external assistance to enable us to find that centre within us from which our self-love can spring forth. We need to find someone who loves himself for who he is, so that looking at him/her and being in his/her company we can also learn to tap the source of love that lies within all of us.
Anyways, you say it was only a moment in time and your mindset isn’t like that everyday about yourself. Which means you love yourself (incl. your body) unconditionally most of the time and you just had a flash of weakness. If that is genuinely true, good for you then. I hope it stays that way.