~ survivor ~

I cannot stop hating my body.

Fuck, how I want to be

That proud, free, careless woman

Showing it all without a thought

Never apologizing for my skin

My rolls, my lines, my folds

And I’m not.

I’m not there.

And I want to love myself for that too

To embrace and give kindness

The sweet nurturing my own mother withheld

Sending me into adolescence

With the curse I’d never forget – “You’re fat”

And to this day, I am

No matter how my body looks

To this day, I am fat

In my mind.

In the tender marrow of my center.

In the sad eyes of that little girl

Steeling herself against the hurt

Never let them see they’re killing your spirit

Never crumble

I’m not strong.

I’m just a survivor.

With the inner being of a stunted girl

And the body of a middle-aged suburbanite.

How the fuck.

3 thoughts on “~ survivor ~

Add yours

  1. Hi there. Chanced upon your post. Sorry to hear you’re struggling with self-worth. I hope you get someone in your life who truly loves you for who you are and makes you feel safe and beautiful in your own skin. And I hope you learn to, eventually, see yourself with his eyes – a thing of perfection rather than something to be hated and despised.


    1. The point is to love myself first. I know that your comment is well-intentioned but it highlights this misconception that people have that a partner is going to fix them. This creates codependency. Sure, I want to find someone who loves me for me – but I believe I will only find that person once I learn to love me for me first.

      Also, don’t mistake a poem for a permanent mindset. A poem is a moment in time.


      1. You’re right that the point is to love yourself first. However, you mention in the poem that you’re middle-aged and still see yourself as ‘fat’ in your mind, and cannot stop hating your body. Clearly, if you could’ve learnt how to love yourself, you would’ve done by now. If we haven’t learnt something in 40-odd years, its pretty obvious we need help. Some external assistance to enable us to find that centre within us from which our self-love can spring forth. We need to find someone who loves himself for who he is, so that looking at him/her and being in his/her company we can also learn to tap the source of love that lies within all of us.

        Anyways, you say it was only a moment in time and your mindset isn’t like that everyday about yourself. Which means you love yourself (incl. your body) unconditionally most of the time and you just had a flash of weakness. If that is genuinely true, good for you then. I hope it stays that way.


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