How Long Am I Going To Still Miss You?

If I knew when it would end, perhaps I could bear the pain I feel every waking moment of the day.

I had no idea that missing you would get worse as time goes on, not easier.  I feel my overarching sadness more keenly with each day that passes, enduring the sting of being twenty-four hours further removed from the happiness and love we shared.  It was you and me against the world, and that gave me a reason to care.  Now I don’t have that.  All I have is the gaping hole in my heart that you left behind.  

I stay in bed as long as I can in the morning, willing my eyes shut, numbing the memories for a few minutes longer.  I know that as soon as I begin to go about my day, my emotions will simmer just below the surface, threatening to erupt at any moment.  It’s exhausting, this gamut that I run through over and over again.  I’m so tired of missing you, but I can’t shut my brain off.  I cannot wish you away, so instead I live like a raw nerve, exposed and vulnerable at all times.

Everything that I do reminds me of you in some way or another.  I cannot even touch myself anymore without crumbling at the knowledge that I’ll never feel the tender electricity of your embrace again.  

This place stifles me with constant reminders of everything we shared and everything we planned to do but never accomplished.  Our town is too oppressively small to contain the amount of sorrow it brings me to stroll its streets without you by my side.   I kept our memories close back when I believed that I would get a lifetime of loving you, but now I’d do anything to completely erase them.  Erase the pain that you left behind when you turned your back and moved on, leaving me here with a broken heart and a shattered future.

Yes, I dared to let myself envision a future with you as my lifelong adventure partner, sharing my laughter, my curiosity, and my heart.  What a fool I am.

Now I spend each day just trying to make it to the next, one after the other, until I finally reach the point where everything hurts a little less.  I would give anything to stop missing you.  What can I do?  I loved you, and I did not want you to go, and I lost you despite the adoration I felt for you each and every day that we spent together.  If I’m completely honest, I suppose I’m still in denial that you’re no longer mine to love, to hold, and to grow alongside.  

I would have done anything for you, but it doesn’t matter.  

Please someone tell me when I’ll stop feeling this way so that I can stand it.  Because right now, I don’t know how much longer I can.

(Originally published on ThoughtCatalog.com)

My Heart Won’t Let You Go

It’s so difficult to stay away from you when you’re just around the corner.  I run, drive, or bike past your house nearly every day.  I know when you are home without even making the effort to find out, and I hate that.  I already miss you so desperately that the temptation to simply walk up and knock on your door is something that I fight constantly.

Maybe I could put you out of my head more easily if you were already gone.  Somewhere I don’t know, can’t picture, moving on with your life in a way that is foreign to me.  If I didn’t have to dread running into you accidentally at practically any moment, putting on a brave face and pretending that seeing you doesn’t break my heart.  I don’t know whether I want to hold you or punch you right now, and I shouldn’t do either, so I set my jaw stubbornly and stay away.

It’s ridiculously difficult to stay out of my head, to dismiss memories of our happy past when everywhere I go has some vestige of you attached.  Maybe I need to leave too, get out of this small town that I’ve only ever really known as part of the pair that once included you.  Maybe I need to reimagine it for myself, on my own, but that feels almost impossible at the moment.  This is the first heartbreak I’ve experienced without the support of a network of friends to lift me up.  Sometimes it’s as if I’m sinking into a chasm of loneliness that I’ve dug on my own, like all I’ve done in my life is fall into one misstep after another.  

The problem is that I can’t run away from myself, no matter how hard I try.  I’ve been in this headspace before and pushing it aside didn’t fix anything.  I’ve worked on healing myself from the inside out before, but I didn’t dig deep enough.  I’m beginning to understand that my pain is something that will never go away on its own, or find a cure in the love of another.  It has to be dealt with every single day in real time, with care and tenderness towards all the wounded parts of me.  It is the reason that I keep choosing partners who cannot give me the love that I crave.  To be fair, no one can because I have to fill that void for myself, somehow, some way.  

Some stupid part of me, deep inside, hopes you come back even though I know you won’t.  I am well aware that our relationship had issues brought on by the baggage that both of us have not addressed.  I don’t know that you will ever care enough to face and transform yours, and that’s not my problem any longer.  As much as I wish you would, it doesn’t matter.  You’re not mine anymore and I don’t know if I would even pick you again if I was a healthy, emotionally whole individual.  

All that I want from the universe right now is to laugh in your arms again, but I understand that’s the one thing that’ll keep ruining me, so I fight my own deeply ingrained, dysfunctional instincts and I stay away.  And yet, still, in spite of myself, I wish that you would come get me and make it all okay. 

(Originally published by Thought Catalog)